Its a journey through suffering to find happiness within ME!
For you to really understand how my life has changed through the process of finding happiness within I need to go back to childhood.
Childhood can have a huge impact on the way you grow, develop and process the world around you. I had a pretty good childhood compared to some but I was a shy and quiet child much of the time. My parents separated when I was 5 years old and I don’t really remember much from before that time. One of my earliest vivid memories are from this time and I think it really impacted on my life, I think it was a rather traumatic experience for me and I don’t think I have ever really know how to deal with it and process the experience.
See I believe in order for you to move past something you can’t just push it aside and never look back…sometime you have to look back to move forward.
Growing up as an only child really meant that I had no-one to share the experience or pain with and it felt rather lonely. My mum worked full time from as early after that separation as I can remember, she needed to do this to make ends meet and well I think that’s just what she needed to do for herself also. But it also meant that like many kids today I never really had a present parent.
You don’t find happiness in friendship or love
Friendship has always been important to me because I didn’t have siblings to fill my life but it’s also often been a real struggle and a crux in my life causing deep unhappiness. I have often tried hard to fit in and be popular. Today I can talk with anyone but I still struggle to make connections with people. I often find that the time is never taken to really get to know another person and conversation is very superficial. I am a genuine friend, I wear my heart on my sleeve and would do anything for people who reciprocate friendship to me. But this has often seen me taken for granted and treated poorly.
In intimate relationships I was always quick to jump in head first, I give all of myself to the other person and have many times left my friends and interests behind to purse love. Needless to say this has never ended well. I now realise that by doing that, there comes a time when I feel cramped, contained, lost or controlled in the relationship and then I start to impel. I push and pick at everything and then things fall apart.
My last long term relationship was the worst I’ve ever had and really made me quite reluctant to ever purse love again.
I have 2 beautiful children that fill my heart with loving feelings and my days with enough joy and pain to last forever. They really are my whole world and I love them so much I have often forgotten to love myself too.
Things weren’t always bad with the kid’s dad, in the beginning it was perfect. We both seemed to want the same thing from life so when the relationship started to change I couldn’t understand why. Was it because I didn’t really want what I thought I did, or was it that he didn’t. The questions kept coming but then I fell pregnant with our son so I stayed. Things progressively got worse and it was a cycle of leaving and going back until I fell pregnant with our daughter at the beginning of 2011. Then like a miracle it was the best it had been for 2yrs.
I was still always uneasy and suffered badly from depression throughout my pregnancy. I hated being pregnant, it made me feel trapped, I wasn’t bonding with my baby and I didn’t want her at all. Then he made us move, not just house but suburbs and of course I had to tow around our almost 2 yr. old son, while I was 7 months pregnant looking for somewhere to live. I found a place and it felt right, it wasn’t a great house but it was the best fit for us as it had a yard that required minimal maintenance and had the storage we needed. Thing continued to be ok, so I don’t know why I was so scared to let my partner know I thought I was in labour with our daughter. I just laid there for 3 hours thinking it will stop. Our son eventually got me up and then I had no choice. I only just made it to the hospital and I feel like I’ve traumatised my son for life now since he was beside the bed while his sister was born.
Anyway things really took a turn for the worse when our girl was just 6 weeks old. And because of her and for her and my son, I decided that it was going to end. I didn’t want this for my kids or me. I no longer wanted to live in this cycled of domestic violence and I ended it.
While it took a number of months before things really were official this was a real turning point for me. I felt lost, I had no body in my life but my kids but I needed to be strong for all of us. I was in so much pain, every day I lived that night of abuse.
I wasn’t living, I was just existing, I was far from happy!
There were so many things to work through and deal with and just because I had left didn’t mean he stopped trying to control me or emotionally abuse me. It all sill continued. Life as a single parent wasn’t such a huge adjustment, but understanding I had freedom and getting past the domestic violence was what I really struggled with. I am so thankful that it’s in my nature to questions and think and analyse things. I had the persistence to work through the pain one step at a time.
I’ve made changes to my life, I’ve moved because I thought I would find happiness, and while I know now that the move wouldn’t give me happiness it certainly has contributed to me finding it!
I still struggle with many of the things I have for most of my life but I think what’s different now is that I know how to process it, I’m aware of it when it first comes up and I know how to deal with it. I have used the same process daily at times to overcome the struggles of depression, anxiety, friendship, love and family violence to find happiness within me!
I am so excited to have finally found that happiness that no one can beat out of me now! That I have to share it, I don’t care about making money from it but I want people in the depths of despair to know that they too can find happiness within them.
what’s next for my journey couldn’t be more exciting
In 2016 I will be studying a Diploma of Counselling and hope to go on to work with women effected by family violence. I hope to be able to work with support groups and let them know about the steps I now use to keep that happiness in my life.
Here’s to happiness x